totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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