there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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