i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
