highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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