im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Randomize
