Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
We had to coat check the pizza.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Randomize
