Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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