stop calling my apartment porn island.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
