why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
