Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
