According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
But theres a keg here and me gusta
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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