she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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