I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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