Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
