I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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