I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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