Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Use "feeling words"
Yay
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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