The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
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