can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
