Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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