well I can't set my house on fire every night
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
