just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
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