Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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