Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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