wat bout pragnant strippers??
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
