im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
I did not marry a roomba.
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