do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
