Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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