You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
