she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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