VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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