At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
She has the best kind of daddy issues
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
