If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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