Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
