my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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