Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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