it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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