WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
