I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
