Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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