there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
