I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
