I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
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