my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
