Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
