he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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