what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
