Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
