hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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