I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize