Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
