cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
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