mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I wish I could punch you in the face.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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