My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You are a genius and a whore.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
