4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
