It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
