Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
