so explain again why im purple
no
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
