She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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